the physicality of anxiety

what an anxiety attack feels like, is different than a panic attack, I think. My shoulders get tense and soar. My breathing is short and even when I try to breath from my diaphragm, it reverts back. My thinking gets shaky, like its hard to hold onto one thought, and then there is like an echo in my brain that reviews my thoughts. I now understand that they come from somewhere beyond my control. Somewhere in my brain. It is neither my thinking, nor actions, nor situation that brings it on. It gets hard for me to swallow, like I could forget how to. Or that my jaw is locked. My neck will not relax. Sometimes mean spirited thoughts try to crowd into my head, but I have learned how to diffuse that.

When I say anxiety to people, I think they consider it how they experience worry, or fear, or concern, or anxiousness. It feels nothing like those true emotions. It feels as if there is a power that is forcing its way into my mind and spirit. And I cannot function in normal ways to get through it.

It is horrible and I am tired of people, especially my mother, thinking, acting, and saying things that demonstrate that they don’t believe me, they don’t think it can be that bad, or that I could just fight it. It takes all of my strength simply to no succumb to it.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. amelieroseb says:

    I originally set this entry to private. it seemed too reveal too much of a weakness. but the writings in NYTimes online and the mass of stories that I hear and the young people that I encounter who are struggling with the same thing made me feel the need to share it.

    1. jusRhae says:

      I think I experienced it quite a bit a couple years back. Nothing I can truly comment in response to truly understand how you feel/felt. They were scary moments and I am thankful to have had a friend near by with two of them. However, I did want to state how valid it is that you decided to no longer make it a private post. Thank you for expressing your “weakness” as you stated. Just know, when we are vulnerable enough to express as this, its actually strength and not weakness at all.

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